


The Official S.H.I.E.L.D. Things That Should Not Have Worked Guide-book and Contest, also known as the But WHY? Competition.

by BairnSidhe, HellKat, mouseymightymarvellous, quadrad, ValkyriePhoenix



Series: Things That Should Not Have Worked: a Brief History of S.H.I.E.L.D. [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Gen, I blame BairnSidhe, SHIELD Agents Manual, That's Not How Grenades Work, comment shenanigans lead interesting places, crackfic hell, rated T for cussing anyways, surprisingly minor cussing considering the characters, what not to do
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:34:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 7,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8166991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BairnSidhe/pseuds/BairnSidhe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/HellKat/pseuds/HellKat, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mouseymightymarvellous/pseuds/mouseymightymarvellous, https://archiveofourown.org/users/quadrad/pseuds/quadrad, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyriePhoenix/pseuds/ValkyriePhoenix
Summary: Sometimes, the comments on a fic just lead to pure gold. Sometimes that gold gains a life of it's own and just. keeps. growing.This is one such tale - the tale of the origins of SHEILD's Agent Manual, the legends that it grew out of, and the shenanigans that followed.





	1. In the Beginning... (a basic overview)

**Author's Note:**

> DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.

Peggy Carter wrote the first S.H.I.E.L.D. agent manual, and it was a lot of "so one time (insert Howling Commando here) did this stupid fucking thing and it somehow worked and they didn't all die, but please, for the love of all that is good and holy, do not do the thing unless you've a matchless sniper, an adamantium shield and a squad full of idiots led by a reckless moron". Peggy got Phillips to help her write it, and Howard tried to help, so they sent him an itemized 47 page list of all the ways in which he had been a contributing factor to Things That Should Not Have Worked, and told him to come up with alternate ways he could have acted that would have limited such behavior and that kept him from accidentally almost destroying the world for three months, a personal best.

Clint is Peggy(and Fury)'s secret favorite because he keeps doing Howlie-worthy shit that either gets a place as an addendum to Howlie entries in the manual, or get their own entries. At a rate even the Howlies would have been hard pressed to keep up with.

Then Natasha happens. (Agent Manual, 65th edition, section 1: What Not To Do, page 956: Do NOT drag the Russian Assassin home and ask the Director to let you keep it.)

Natasha decides the manual is actually a check-list of things to do in the field when she's bored. Bonus points if she does it with even more improbability-of-success ridiculousness. She actually keeps score. Everyone else gives up. Coulson and Fury don't even TRY to tell her not to do things any more, and they don't let her have any copies of new editions of the Manual, because she will. And nobody tries to out-do her. Except Clint, Rogers, and Barnes. And Darcy. They love the challenge. Tony just records it all to rewatch the shenanigans later.

There are annual competitions at S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy to see who can most faithfully pull off the most bizarre Howlie war stunt with the least amount of injuries. Phil Coulson is the judge for historical accuracy. The Annual Academy Howling Commando fair is a lot like those civil war reenactor group get-togethers, and it's not officially condoned, but unless someone wins the That Is Not How Grenades Work trophy from the reigning champ, Fury ignores it, because he is damn proud of that trophy.

When you go to any sort of job training that covers the use of a fire extinguisher, you will learn that you remove the pin that prevents the handle from moving, aim at the base of the fire, and then pull the handle. Also, there will most likely be some smartass loudly declaring “pull the pin...and throw.” Unless you're at SHEILD Academy. They know better. Because Fury. On a training mission, Fury actually threw a fire extinguisher in a firefight, and taking some number of people out (accounts vary, but it was probably not more than 6... probably), because let's be honest, those fuckers are heavy.  
Then later in the same fight, he put out a fire with a grenade. The concussive force extinguished the fire. Which is how Fury won the That Is Not How Grenades Work trophy. No one has been crazy enough to try it again, or attempt any other Not How You Grenade trick better than that.

It was also the first of Fury's reports that made it all the way to Peggy's desk. She head-desked repeatedly and then added it to the manual, and made sure to keep an eye on that recruit. In short, Fury's director now because he can out insane you.

Straight out of the Academy, Clint made highest marks in Most Deadly Application of Lipstick competition since Director Peggy Carter deigned to show up to "The Fair" in its third year.  
The Howling Commando Legacies show up every year, regardless of whether or not they're even SHIELD agents. Sharon Carter convinced the pilot of her quinjet to fly over the Academy on the way back from an op so that she could parachute out and make it on time. She had a broken arm and seventeen stitches in her head, but was pleased to defend her three year winning streak in Best Use of an Empty Pistol at Short Range.  
Natasha Romanoff submits footage every year to the Dumbest Quip in the Face of Certain Death category. No one has any idea why she knows so many obscure references to eighties and nineties cult movies when she was raised a Russian spy.  
Tony Stark has been awarded the I Don't Think You Understand the Basic Principles of Physics engineering award seven different times, despite never having actually participated. Due to the Care And Keeping of Erratic Egomaniac Geniuses section of SHIELD's manual, inspired by Howard, Tony has not ever been informed, despite that being the ONE award he would show up on time and sober to receive.


	2. Steve (Darcy) and Phil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You didn't think we FORGOT them did you?

Steve Rogers:  
60 years of The Fair and 74 editions* of the Manual occurred before Steve thawed. More than half the original Manual was just from Steve. Does he REALLY need to one-up himself?  
(....Of course he does, that's why he dove out of a plane without a parachute.)  
Steve managed to place at the 2012 Fair in the Way to Stay Under the Radar, Dipshit category - even though he had no idea yet that it existed - when an anonymous SHIELD analyst submitted the footage of him running at top speed into Time's Square upon waking up in the future. And an unnamed field agent assigned to HQ sent audio recording of his recitation of prop flaws in the "recovery room" for the Way To Irritate Your Captors Dumbass competition. The first time Clint has been beaten since his first entry which was literally his recruitment interview video. Clint was actually ok with that.  
The title was taken the next year, when someone sent in Interrogation Room footage of Darcy Lewis. Specifically, Darcy answering every one of Agent Sitwell's questions with song lyrics...exclusively from boy bands from 1995 to 2005. And not just the ones that made it to the radio, either. When asked about her relationship with Agent Coulson, she replied, straight faced, "Mr. Zuvaloppa's got a crazy life, With a house on the corner for his kids and wife. Works all day trying to make ends meet, Just the same as everybody does down the street." Sitwell gave up in frustration. (Despite not being 6foot-four and having never owned a Mini, Coulson has since been upgraded from Agent Ipod Thief and S.A.M. to Mr. Z. His mouth may or may not twitch in the direction of a smile.)  
In 1942, Steve unwittingly set the record for Stupid Shit Involving Planes, when he jumped, unarmed and without backup (but with a parachute), from one directly into enemy territory. He lost the record to Clint for some time, but regained the honor in 2014 when he jumped from an airplane with only his shield, no parachute, and not waiting for backup, directly into enemy territory. Clint was less okay with this loss.

 

Agent Phillip Coulson:  
The reason Phil is the judge of the Annual Academy Howling Commando Fair, of course, is not that he is a Cap Fanboy extraordinaire, no, no. It is because the very first competition he entered, he and his group did a perfect, historically accurate, recreation of a Howling Commandos raid to include the riding underneath the truck to get into the base and having the bomb you planted while under there go off 30 seconds after they got out from underneath the truck. This was the only time Coulson was allowed to participate as Peggy immediately made him the judge for all future competitions and walked away swearing under her breath about stupid morons not being allowed to reincarnate. This is also the reason he was made Clint and Natasha's handler. Nobody else could keep up with them. The Manual also has a specific entry that all of his antics gets lumped into. Technically, it is an addendum to the first entry of the Manual.  
Item 1 reads thus: No agent is to attempt any stunt, shenanigan, or other activity they "heard Capt. Rogers did once" or any thing ever performed by any member of the Howling Commandos.  
Item 1a: No agent is to attempt anything they "saw Agent Coulson do in a video once". 

Technically Phil should have gotten the "That's not how you use a grenade" trophy when he used a grenade to do a large concusive/spot weld between a steel door and its frame. But he declined it on the grounds that an event judge cannot win any of the trophies at the event they are judging, as he did not want to upset Fury. (He was already trying to stay on Fury's good side because of Natasha's recent arrival)

 

*No, there were not 14 years of the Manual before the Fair began. With the recruitment of Agent Clint Barton, new editions of the Manual had to be printed three and four times a year, where as early SHIELD only needed to print every other year or so.


	3. Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys (Just Keep Telling Yourself That, Sir.) and Code Darcy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 has been edited to include a bit more about Phil at the end.  
> Part 2: Excerpts From The Manual is now up.

Officers Edition, or the “Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys (Just Keep Telling Yourself That, Sir.)” Award:

There is a monthly division for officers commonly called “Not My Division.” It's actual name is “Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys (Just Keep Telling Yourself That, Sir.)” but some (silly) people thought the name too long. This award is a bottle of the good stuff and is given to the handler of the team that did the most outlandish thing in any given month. Colonel Phillips held the title for the first couple dozen rounds. Peggy, Fury, Sitwell, and Coulson have all also won it at one time or another. Mostly because Clint and Natasha, but also because of the Howlies and Fury (in Peggy's case) and Coulson (Peggy and Fury). Coulson has won the award 102 straight months. Because Strike Team Delta: the "D" is for "deranged", "dangerous" and "dumbasses". 

A push was made to change the "Not my circus, not my monkeys (keep telling yourself that sir)" award to the Bucky Barnes award but it was eventually decided that would become a separate award for being the sane person in a group or paring that tries to keep the other idiot(s) alive. Peggy still held the title until she willingly (possibly gleefully) handed it over to Pepper, who gave it to Bruce. Bobbi Morse held a five year championship during the time she was partnered to Clint, Pre-Natasha. Prior to that it was Agent Hand, although nobody knew if "for keeping her partner alive against all reasonable odds" meant her agent partner, or Isabelle Hartly, her "everyone knows, but nobody is asking and they aren't telling" partner. 

 

The "Code Darcy" Award:

The Code Darcy Award is handed out at the Annual Fair to whoever can do the most out of character thing, believably, in the field. Fury also holds the title. It involves Rocky Horror Picture Show cosplay in the middle of a mission. It was his idea. There was singing and dancing. In heels. 3 months after he was made Assistant Director. NO ONE EVER MENTIONS THE INCIDENT AGAIN. (But Peggy secretly has a recording that she keeps for when she has a bad day. The recording is made even better by Coulson playing Janet.) Coulson has also won annual trophies in it (though not the all-time championship) for :  
* accurate impersonation of a Candy-Girl at a rave to avoid pursuit  
* spontaneous drops into and out of giggly-i-love-yooooou drunk all over another (burly, male, straight-faced) Agent to avoid eavesdropping  
*suggesting something Clint Would Do, before Clint could do it in a way that made it sound like he really thought it should be done....with the result that Clint Did Not Do The Thing.

Clint won an honorable mention of the award for berating a baby agent about taking unnecessary risks that caused the agent to get injured. Everyone watching had their jaws on the floor for a solid two minutes afterwards. It was only after watching both incidents back to back that it was decided by a panel consisting of Peggy, Phil and Jasper (Fury was excluded due to conflict of interest) decided that it did not top Fury's Rocky Horror incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You'll notice this is now part of a series. I will shortly be adding a work entitled "Excerpts from the Manual" with random rules and their addendums. Any comments there on how those rules and addendum came about, and who was responsible will become part of the story here.


	4. Agent May, Improvised Weaponry, And I'd Rather Be Frozen

Agent Melinda May:

When anyone on the Bus asks Melinda May about her participation in The Fair, she looks them straight in the eye and asks in her best deadpan: "What fair?" But Melinda May ran stunt choreography for the infamous Coulson Re-enactment. She is also among the all-time top five of the "What Gravity?" plane landing competition and has more wins in the "Uh-huh, Yup, I'm Totally Juuuuuust A Secretary" category than anyone since Peggy. May has _technically_ won many other awards, but for the same reason she does not care to be called "The Cavalry" she has never accepted most of them and they went to the runners up rather than bring it up. The only award she has accepted was Best Use of Awkward Silence and Raised Eyebrow in Interrogation. THAT, she is locked in a running competition with Natasha for. People feel proud to come in third, because those two take the top two slots every year. (She is also a frequent contender in the "Back Up Is On It's Way Does Not Mean 'In 0.2 Seconds'" category. Along with Romanoff, Rogers, Lewis, and Skye)

By the time Skye enters into S.H.E.I.L.D.'s radar, she already identifies heavily as one of Darcy's. In fact, a number of Agents who nobody thinks would ever team up do startlingly accurate Howlies Mission reenactments under the name Team Lieu.

Improvised Weaponry:

The Improvised Weapon category began as a drunken, post Contest dare, and then was made an official event when Phil, with three Jagerbombs in him, demonstrated how to dis-assemble a fountain pen and turn it into a vector for induced pulmonary embolism, while narrating the whole thing in a manner many who saw the footage would later compare to Drunk History. The next year, a rule about pre-weaponized footwear was implemented and Natasha got very upset because "Those are standard issue Louboutins, I would never desecrate a Louboutin you heathens. ...That's what the Choos' are for." Then she and Pepper have a long conversation about who designs the best fight-ready formal wear. Natasha is very pro-Vera Wang, because she is a good girl-bro and will sew in weapon pockets, but Pepper backs Christian Siriano's Tango line, because those thigh high slide slits are perfect for both dancing and battle. 

Tony tried to submit to the Improvised Weapon category the entire infiltration of the Mandarin's mansion, only to be shot down with resounding yells of "NO MODDING!!" Tony kept protesting the decision so Peggy and Steve were brought in and after reviewing the info decided that the modding argument was void based on a mission were the Howlies had set a trap using a two garden rakes and a plow. Tony was insufferable for weeks until Pepper managed to delflate his ego. However, when Agent Barton attempted to submit an entry the next year using the same argument, it was denied as DumDum's use of 250 hamsters caused the Manual entry prohibiting the requisition and use of any animal in lots greater than 100, and Clint's use of 99 stray dogs and 76 cats caused the Manual to be edited to prohibit lots of animals totaling 20 or more. Barton did win once for lobbing firey dirty diapers at bad guys in a prank style trap that was designed to distract the enemy agents. This allowed Barton to finish evacuating the onsite daycare where S.H.I.E.L.D. had an asset in witness protection. He was assigned to a protection detail with bratty kids under Agent Sitwell(as punishment, following the “Kill Phil, Sorry Phil” instructions incident), and the kids hid his weapons and he had to improvise. (The fact it ended up being fun and funny was just a bonus.) The Manual edition banning such left the printer's after the Annual Fair, so it was allowed. He also entered the following year as the protection detail was extended for the “Kill Sitwell, Sorry Sitwell” incident, with diapers of the non-flaming variety. The Manual edition banning THAT was pushed forwards so as to prevent his entry's validity. (Sitwell was even less enthused with the "Kill the Killjoy, not actually sorry, Killjoy" incident.)

 

The "I'd rather be frozen" award is an all-new award at the December 2012 Fair. Whoever annoys/bothers/pranks Steve and Bucky into saying "Screw this, I'm going back to the Artic/Cryo" the most times each year wins that years. Sam currently holds the Bucky half of the award. Tony holds the Steve half. Darcy is the only one to win both at the same time due to an epic prank involving glitter, kool-aid powder, and molasses. She declined the award as neither Steve nor Bucky were the intended targets (it was actually intended for Clint).


	5. The Most Perverted Comment At the Least Appropriate Time and The "... I NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT"

"Most Perverted Comment At The Least Appropriate Time" award 

Tony wins. Every year, to the point people stopped listening to that award announcement, until of course one of Natasha's Quips in the Face of Certain death was determined to actually be a very sexual innuendo, when you say it in Russian. There was a standing ovation when she toppled Tony Stark, King of Perversion, from his throne in 2008. Then, starting in 2012, "Most Perverted Comment at the Least Appropriate Time" kept getting won accidentally. (Tony is angry about this. He is the King of sexual innuendo, ok?) Bruce somehow wins multiple times in a row because of misunderstood biochem jargon or metaphors, and then Steve does, but he insists the words he uses didn't used to mean what they do now, and swears he doesn't know better (except he's totally lying, he absolutely meant it that way. He was in the ARMY, he knows exactly what that word means, and he and Darcy had a bet going on over who could get Stark to do the most impressive spit take). Once, Steve won for calling a certain yam-colored political candidate a "walking boner" on national television. He swore that back in his day, boner was just a word for bad mistakes, that the meaning changed and he hadn't been told. Darcy stood by his assertion very publicly, until the Contest, when she revealed to the judges he knew exactly what it now meant. Darcy won $75 and a gift card to a day spa in the betting pool, and Tony accused her of insider trading. 

 

The “...I NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT.” Award

Agent Harrow has kids. This is not particularly surprising as many agents have children, that's why there IS an employee day care center at HQ, but Agent Harrow has twin, three-year-old boys. Twin, three-year-old boys who regularly escape the day care, cause havoc, and then wind up in the Strike training gym. If Agent Harrow is on a mission, someone must corral the boys and get them back to day care. This usually falls to whichever agent(s) find(s) them. One day, it falls to Agent Rollins. Only the boys fail to be cowed, caught, or cajoled. After half an hour, Rollins is horribly out of breath, the twins are still going, and Clint is in the rafters, laughing his ass off. Finally, Rollins throws himself down on the mats and declares "...I need an adult."  
Barton calls down "You ARE an adult!"  
Rollins groans, rolls over, and, flipping Clint off, yells back "I NEED AN ADULTIER ADULT."  
Clint jumps down, gets the boys settled, and carries them off, one on his shoulders, one under his arm, both giggling wildly, back towards day care in 30 seconds flat. The ribbing Rollins got was merciless, he never did live it down...but hey, he won an award that year...  
(Of course, so did the boys...)

Steve's first official day at SHIELD HQ, a Code Chartreuse sounded during his meeting with Fury. As Fury buried his face in his hands and groaned, Steve dared to ask, “Code Chartreuse?”  
“The Harrow twins have broken out of Day Care again.”  
“...You have a color code for two children?”  
“The Harrow boys aren't ordinary children. They're 4 year olds who, almost daily for the last 2 years, break out of the day care center, no matter what security we put in place there, run amok throughout the building, half-destroy half a dozen offices, devour half the desserts in the caff, and then wind up in the level 7 and up training gym, all without getting caught, where they run some of the best strike teams we have into the ground when they try to catch the boys to return them where they belong.”  
Steve looked somehow both awed and thoughtful.  
“...And their mother is...?”  
“On assignment.”  
“...Their father?”  
“Not in the picture.”  
“....Have you considered having the strike teams babysit them as remedial training?”  
“....STRIKE IS babysitting them today.”


	6. The Coffee Wars, Barton's a Better Adult Than You, and Darcy Lewis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Agent May just HAD to go and grumble about coffee and the Coffee Wars over in Code Chartreuse, bumping up the timeline for the Coffee Wars and the resulting Manual Entry, and necessitating this post happening _today._

_There is no circumstance requiring any agent to replace anything with Folger's Instant coffee crystals “to see if anyone notices.” Particularly not while on SHIELD properties. (68th Edition)_

SHIELD - despite having a big enough budget to pay for FLYING AIRCRAFT CARRIERS - is a government agency. As such, the only coffee they have is STUPENDOUSLY BAD. You could force prisoners to drink the coffee available at SHIELD's break stations as a cruel and unusual form of torture. As such, Engineering builds a better coffee machine. Botany starts growing their own coffee plants. Chemistry figures out how to synthesize the best jet fuel. All of Science Division comes together to ensure that the various departments are well kept in the best coffee-flavored jet fuel. (This cooperation was the result of a plot enacted by a biochemist, a microbiologist and a bio-engineer whose cross-discipline projects kept getting bogged down due to feuds between departments. As a result, SCI-Div is significantly less combative over resources, in the fear that someone will take offense and pull out of the project.)

When a specialist who's benched with a bad knee injury is co-opted to be a test subject for some medical research on tendon regeneration is in the lab one day, she manages to snag a cup of coffee when no one is paying much attention. It is significantly better than anything she has every drank on any SHIELD base ever. Further investigation proves that the coffee across SCI-Div is magnitudes better than anything available to field officers. Checking in with a friend in procurement, they find out that there should be a limit on the amount of caffeine made available to any member of SCI-Div, as per the Stark Regulations. Following SCI-Div being reported to upper management and the ensuing coffee sting, SCI-Div is officially reprimanded and any and all caffeine products are removed from the labs.  
And so the Coffee Wars began.

No coffee was safe. Machines mysteriously broke. Coffee beans went missing, were replaced with instant coffee, were laced with hallucinogens. Coffee orders for upper management in important meetings were spilled, stolen, just plain wrong, and, in one notable occurrence, outright replaced with the same swill everyone else had been getting, simply poured into the cups that had been ordered. Three-months' supply of the sludge called 'coffee' the SCI-Div had been allowed prior to their OptimalCoffee project spontaneously took the place of gunpowder and other explosives all across the base. Grenades stopped working because they had all been filled with Folger's crystals.  
(Of course, at the same time, regular raids were occurring in the labs on illegal coffee speakeasies hidden inside repurposed storage closets and filing rooms and basements. A quinjet that somehow never was reintegrated into the fleet after sustaining heavy damage to the wing during a rescue op was found to be a popular mechanic and engineering coffee bar, the head engineer having simply "forgotten" to submit the paperwork that would have informed his superiors that all damage had been repaired.)

Finally, a cease-fire was called, wherein safe and sane caffeine limits were installed for all scientists, as long as field agents would bring gifts of coffee beans from whatever far-off local they had been blowing up the week previously upon any and all visits to a lab. The better coffee machine from the Optimal Coffee project was mass-produced and installed in all SHIELD employee lounges, but the jet fuel was banned.  
Upper management never quite recovered from the horror of a six-hour meeting on implementing "In Case of Sex Pollen" protocols with nothing but decaf instant coffee made into pumpkin spice lattes that nobody ordered.

\---

Barton Is A Better Adult Than You:  
Laura Barton is Clint's sister-in-law who he looks out for because Barney is not that great a person so Clint (aside from conception) is basically those kid's Dad, and he does do the PTA Hot Dad routine whenever Laura needs support because Barney isn't around. He shows up, all model gorgeous (the Milan op really paid off) and convinces these moms he's the best ever and that if they hurt his sister he will be most upset and probably emotionally unable to make snicker-doodles for the Bake Sale. Laura never gets shit again. ---

"Fuck! We suspect that a group of PTA moms are running a drug ring out of their school's parking lot. Who can we send undercover as a parent to infiltrate and bring them down?"  
"Don't worry, Sitwell, Nat and I totally have this handled."  
"You want to send Romanov in undercover as a stay-at-home mom? She's an excellent undercover agent, but I don't know about this."  
"What? No! Nat is my high-earning lawyer wife. I'll be the stay-at-home dad!"  
"...Really, Barton?"  
"I will have you know, I make a mean snickerdoodle and I have an excellent tolerance for wine."

Barton shows up to first bake sale since “moving into town” in a pink polo shirt and flowered apron, gossips worse than the old-lady population of a small town, throws some truly superb backhanded comments about other PTA parents' hair, and walks off with That-Bitch-Shelly's recipe for cheesecake. Mission Completion Time: 18 days. The PTA mission blew the baby agents' minds. But it was the fact that Clint could handle a diaper change on even the squirmiest baby that really had jaws dropping. Clint always shrugged it off by saying that kids of circus performers were the worst. 

Clint is also a crazy math whiz, he has to be for his freaking JOB, but he acts so goofy nobody thinks maybe the basic math skill and unending patience of a sniper are ideal for such an Adult task as Taxes, and yet, Clint is basically the only agent who has never bribed the forensic accounting people to do his taxes. And Nat, because she bribes Clint. 

"Um, guys? Does anyone know how to do taxes?"  
"I dunno, I get Karl down in accounting to do mine for me for a case of beer."  
"Don't worry, Junior Agent Matthews, I've got this."  
"Um, Agent Barton, sir, it's ok. I'll... I'll just get my mom on the phone."  
"Don't be ridiculous Matthews, taxes are my bitch."  
"Oh, no, sir, I really couldn't. Couldn't use up your valuable time!!! Hahahahah. ...Pleasedon't."  
"It's all good, Matthews, Nat just sent me your tax forms, hang on, this'll only take a sec." 

Three hours later, a perfectly printed stack of tax documents, with the lovely arrow sticky notes indicating where to sign, shows up on JA Matthews desk, entire Junior Agent office pool screamed "WHHHATTT?" as JA Matthews fainted dead away. Barton cleaned out that month's Senior Agent Prank Pool, nearly $4k.

 

\---  
Darcy Lewis:

The ONLY person who is ever allowed to call the armory "Bloodbath and Beyond" is Darcy Lewis. Agents with a clearance lower than 8 may not ask why. Both Fury and Coulson get a tic in their eyes whenever they hear Darcy call it that. Hill just ignores it and makes sure to have booze on hand for later. One time, Darcy entered the "Dumb Quips in the Face of Certain Death" contest with security footage of being cornered by Hydra agents in what appeared to be a closet, only to say "Welcome to Bloodbath and Beyond, how may I be of assistance in your death?" before hitting a hidden button with her foot, blind grabbing a shotgun from the compartment opened by the button and firing. It lost on the merit that she purposely lured them there, knowing of Agent Barton's hidden "Boom-stick" stash, and was therefore not actually in the face of certain death. Darcy maintains to this day that the certain death of her enemies is just as valid a time for dumb quips.

Next year a "Best in Show: Gloating" category was added.


	7. Percussive Maintenence, Gun Ball, and The Choosing of Code Names

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All you glorious Kudoers are awesome. Just sayin'. <3
> 
> In other news, many authors say how comments feed the plot bunnies and keep the story alive. They do. They really do, but this fic is not like those fics. This fic actually cannot maintain updates without comments. Please comment, or this bunny will die a sad and horrible death. Then I will have to eat it, in bunny stew. It will taste funny.

_Agents are to avoid use of percussive maintenance in the field, and under NO circumstance is the solution to a problem ‘use a bigger hammer’ no matter what your senior officer says_  
In Epinal the Howlies had come across a large bomb/explosive set by Hydra. The explosive was supposed to release a experimental compound that was supposed make everyone exposed to it automatically obey anything they were told. Dernier said that because of the way it was set up cutting any wires would set the bomb off. He did however say that if the timing mechanism could be destroyed then the bomb would probably not go off. Dum Dum grabbed a nearby hammer from a Nazi worktruck and hit the timer repeatedly but unfortunately it had little impact on the cover to the timer. Darcy suggested that Cap try using a bigger hammer (“No, no, the BIGGER one, yeaaah, that one.” It was a 15lb sledge...as opposed the the 5 and 10 lb hammers also in the truck.) on it and that did manage to do the job. Both Phillips and Peggy immediately got drunk after hearing the mission debrief. 

_“Hulk?” Why would tiny Jane not be quiet? “Will you be my friend? It’s just, Darcy is my friend, but Darcy is fighting and I’m scared and I feel alone and I need a friend, and you’re here, and I’ll stop talking now. Sorry.”_  
Hulk understood alone. It was a not good feeling to him, and to puny Banner, it was worse, because he was so small and the world was so big. The tiny woman was even smaller. She must feel very not good.  
“Hulk here. Hulk friend. No alone.”  
“Thanks,” she said and leaned her head on his arm. One bad man tried to shoot them, but tiny Jane’s big gun got him, and Hulk turned the bad gun into a ball to roll on the floor with Jane. It was fun. A new not-smashing fun. 

_Steve and Tony touched down gently opposite Hulk and Jane rolling a metal ball back and forth to each other while Jane sang about periodic elements. The ball isn't a perfect sphere, so sometimes it rolls funny. Neither one seemed to notice the two heroes, for which Steve was sort of grateful, he needed to get a harness for buddy flight, Iron Man holding his waist had been embarrassing._

Later, Natasha is sad that she missed the opportunity to check off "Firearms are not toys, no matter how bored you are." Hulk gives the sad lady the gun-ball because she is sad and sad is not good feeling and he likes his new friends. Which has the net-result of Nat not being as scared of Hulk, and Nat keeps the ball. Sometimes, she uses it for Surprise!DodgeBall with the baby agents. It's her new favorite game. Even better than "Who's the better killer?" (Coulson regrets letting Barton show her Chronicles of Riddick. Death By Teacup is difficult to explain in reports. Though the paperclip was worse.) Romanov's Surprise!DodgeBall is allowed because it keeps the death-by-ridiculous-item incidents to a minimum. Despite there being rules about Surprise DodgeBall in the Manual.

_Most Inappropriate Nickname, Code Name, or Other Designation for Foreign Dignitaries._

The rule in the Manual reads thus:   
"Agents are to remain aware that any member of any Royal family, Presidents, Ambassadors, and other Dignitaries, are to be addressed solely by their appropriate title. Nicknames are frowned on, even if the dignitary in question liked it.   
Addendum A: Only the Senior Handler gets to pick Code Names for any dignitary under a protection detail, and Agents may not alter it because "He doesn't look like a Cosmos" or any similar excuse.   
Addendum B: Agents are to be advised, even if you call them that at home, you may not use the slang name of any foreign dignitary to their face.   
Addendum C: Yes, we also mean Doom's mask.  
Addendum D: That does not mean 'say it to their ass.' "

This was included in the Manual's first edition when the ENTIRE 107th started calling the Crown Princess of England and the United Kingdom "Lizzy Windsor" after a Code Darcy. Within two decades, Addendum A was added after one Agent Lillian Morita started changing the code names on a mission in the Hunan Provence of China, because she was irritated people thought she passed as Chinese. Clint Barton's recruitment led to multiple cases of increasingly ridiculous nicknames and international incidents, resulting in Addendum's B through D.  
Although many Agents have won this award, the undisputed holder of the ultimate championship, is surprisingly Phil Coulson, although his place as a judge makes him ineligible to accept. He has the unofficial title because he has multiple times, as the Senior Handler for Delta, chosen very odd and inappropriate Code Names, often letting the member of Delta who fucked up least on the last mission give suggestions.


	8. Iron Stomach, Death Dances, and The Charleston.

_The Improvised Cooking Award, also known as the “Iron Stomach Challenge”._

It is a well-known fact that stake-outs are very long and very boring. It is also a well-known fact that the sadists down in Supplies take some form of unholy glee in giving Agents assigned to stake-outs the MOST BORING FOOD EVER. Yes, some may argue that the nutrition bars keep well and do not require cooking, but the fact remains that there is still some debate about the Geneva Convention and the Eighth Amendment (which bans cruel and unusual treatment) regarding Supply Officers.

This led to a few unfortunate cases wherein Agents left their posts in moments of weakness to acquire food that resembled food, and as a result windows of opportunity were missed. Needless to say, that went strictly against the Manual rulings about appropriate times to leave a position in the field. After Director Carter handed out KP duties and passed around her signature “You are all morons” death-glare, the agents most prone to food cravings began taking food ingredients with them. The Manual was updated on the topic of ‘improvised cooking’ in the wake of the entirety of Delta, with the exception of Agent Barton who can eat anything, getting food poisoning.

As the Competition is solely about times one has successfully violated the Manual, the next year had a new category. The first winner was Clint Barton, who shot down a bird of unknown species near the camp of a Colombian drug running ring, and chemically cooked it using a baggie of lemon juice and high-proof vodka. He filmed the entire thing and then added an Anthony Bordain-style voice over. He was unseated as the reigning champ the year Natasha Romanov entered, with her bizarre and unorthodox Rat a la Clothing Iron from a mission requiring a three week stay in a supremely sleazy motel. From then on, she and Melinda May continued to quietly attempt to one-up each other in terms of the least edible substances consumed on a mission, without horrible consequences. This was brought to an abrupt halt after Agent May had to have her appendix removed and traces of beetle carapace were found to be the cause of infection. She denies all of this, despite maintaining that as the last one to eat a patently inedible thing on a mission she did in fact beat Natasha.

In 2013’s Competition, Darcy Lewis entered for the judge’s consideration Left-over Tupperware Gumbo, which was, quite literally, just ALL of the things from her fridge that might go bad in a week dumped in a quart sized Tupperware container with five entire ounces of “Slap Ya Mama” brand Gumbo Dinner Mix stirred it. Everyone was entirely appalled, Darcy went home with the trophy, and then had to end a fight between Clint and Steve about who got to eat it.

 

_Setting the gruesome deaths of enemies to music is frowned upon and may result in mandatory psychological evaluation, even if it is "funny" "catchy" or "thematically appropriate"._   
_Addendum A: Dancing without music is also against the rules._   
_Addendum B: Yes, this includes interpretive dance, rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized anything._   
_Sub-Addendum: Your handler does not want to know where you got the ribbon, the sparklers, or any other prop._

Darcy and Nat together were to blame for most of this. Bucky and Steve got involved for synchronized everything though. Gleefully involved. Steve never thought he'd enjoy skills from his dancing monkey days. Everyone thought Romanov had lost it when she played "Another Irish Drinking Song" at top volume during a raid on a drug warehouse in disguise as a rave club with Steve right beside her. Except Darcy, who was manning the DJ booth and laying down suppression fire. They revised that to include Rogers and Barnes who simultaneously broke into spontaneous yet synchronized jigs while fighting. The argument that nobody ever investigates a bunch of loud sounds at a club with music was less than appreciated by Fury.   
  
Darcy and Nat did an interpretive dance (a la Cadet Kelly, because they're dorks) with ribbon sticks to the death of the head of a human trafficking ring, no external music played, though there may have been some singing involved, no one can confirm or deny. Bucky and Steve were too busy laughing to join in, that time.   
  
Steve is responsible for the mention of sparklers, and nobody is entirely sure they understand how he got them into Latveria, but everyone is very sure they don't want to know. Nobody knows how he managed the confetti canons on a raid that went pear shaped either, but they did have to begrudgingly admit it was funny when a billion red, white, and blue strips of paper filled the room instead of deadly gas. The agents on that mission maintain the star shaped novelty glitter was totally unnecessary, mostly as they still find patriotic sparkles in random places. The glitter was Darcy (it was funny, and the complaints just keep the laughs going for her) but Steve gladly took the whole blame (credit) rather than just his part.

 

_When doing surveillance during a mission and your handler demands to know what you are doing, the answer had better not be "The Charleston" (49th Edition)_   
  
Steve and Bucky both treat the Manual much like Nat does (“More Guidelines than rules” and sometimes a checklist of things to do)...simply because they are well aware how many of those rules exist because they did that. Also, they are both fucking trolls. Thus, both Steve and Bucky have at one point replied "What does it look like I'm doing? It's obviously the Charleston," when asked for a sitrep. Only one time Steve said "the Carlton" to get out of an official reprimand and when called out on it, produced cell phone footage of him, doing that dance Carlton from Fresh Prince did, right outside a base full of very confused Hydra agents, shortly before it exploded. He had been on distraction detail. Phil drank well that month.


	9. Doom, Doom, Doom, ASGARD!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so so sorry for the various delays, guys, when my body wasn't crapping out on me, my computer was. And now we're in the run-up to RenFaire, and I haven't done half my costume yet, and am booked entirely for weekends, while trying to get my portfolios in shape to look for work, writing, parenting AND trying to vaguely accomplish being a human being. Being able to clone myself with a shared brainspace would be glorious.
> 
> Have some shenanigans.

Natasha was quietly referencing Invader Zim on the way in/out of Doom castle.  
"I'm gonna sing the doom song now. Doomdoomdodoomdoomdoomdoomdodoomdoomdoom."  
Mostly on the jet. Mostly.  
No need to hand the dictator a reason to start a war.  
(Secretly, in a "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" way, Victor likes that show too. He grinned about the joke, but under the mask, while pretending to not hear Nat's quiet “doomydoomydoom” singing.) 

Nat and Victor start having a contest to drop references back and forth with no one else catching on that they are referencing anything, let alone Invader Zim.

A new manual entry is prompted "Agents are advised, if you befriend any world leader, and they must be taken out of play for the good of all, it's your job. Any Agent referring to any dictator/warlord/supreme anything/president for life/etc. on a first name basis outside of missions, or on private communications channels will be asked to add additional psychiatric evaluation to debriefs involving said world leader's country."

Nat responds to the update by using the communication room in headquarters to call Doom.

"Oh Tallest Doom, it's an emergency, I need permission to call you 'Victor' publicly."

"Why?"

"Don't ask. Can I?"

"Fine, but Doom is not happy about this. It made you sloppy Natasha. Let me know if I should hit anything with a laser." The call is cut off as Doom finishes quickly with "thingy" and nobody is willing to testify to that, because Doom saying the word 'thingy' is so bizarre it can't be true.

Absolutely none of the psych staff have any idea what to do with this new information about Nat and Doom's relationship, and Nat revels in the confusion until Darcy hauls her to Doomstadt for an intervention brunch where they discuss when it is and is not okay to troll people.

Nat and Doom share a glance and answer: “.....When they aren't crying already?"

\---

 

"STEWARD! Doom requires all paperwork Latveria has held on one Darcy Lewis."

"Uh, of course, Sire. Meaning all respect, please don't use this like you did with the papers on Sue Storm. We worry about Sue obviously, she's important to you, but Lewis scares us."

"Don't be ridiculous, Steward. Miss Lewis is in a very happy seeming relationship. Doom wishes to know that Latveria did not act inappropriately in refusing to hire her."

Doom flips through papers, and suddenly goes still.

"...My liege?" the steward questions, cautiously.

"Make a very large anonymous donation to that student debt relief fund they have in America. And add mental health equality training for the new embassy staff, we're firing the old ones. Literally, with fire. HOW did we manage to not hire this woman on the basis of a _preexisting medical condition_? I could have adopted her, but that large oaf with the hammer beat me to it!"

"It will be done. Sire? Ah, what are you doing?"

"Ordering her a gift basket online, it's an American thing. Does she strike you as a woman who likes jam? She said she wanted to get brunch. There's a nice brunch basket from a company called Harry and David. Ooh, they also send pears of the month!"

"Let me do that, Sir, you just rest. You're agitating the Doombots."

"DOOM WILL BEFRIEND AND ADOPT DARCY LEWIS!"

"Of course you will, Sir."

 

Later, in the servant retraining seminar:

"And that's why we should help him stay a misanthropic git. He's scary when he wants to be nice."

"But Lewis did like the pears."

"Lewis is a force of pure Chaos, and as such reacts strangely. Ignore her, just don't let him decide to befriend or adopt anyone else."

 

SHIELD has a mole inside Doom castle. They are also HERO. Somehow Lewis gets an audio recording of these conversations. Thor, Loki, Steve and Bucky cackle with glee. Fury facepalms and tries to figure out how to add it to the Manual.

 

\---

 

On bad days, Heimdall looks to the SHEILD agents trying to earn the awards and mentally starts awarding them to the other Asgardians with some changes, of course.

Heimdall would like nothing better than to host an Asgardian But WHY? competition and secretly thinks not being allowed to and let Loki wipe the floor with EVERYONE is a contributing factor to his losing it and the destruction of the Bifrost. Thor, upon learning of the awards, immediately reacts by exclaiming "That's where he got the idea!" ...to the great confusion of everyone else.

Loki consistently wins the "way to irritate your captors" award. He discovers it's source during the Invasion, and keeps an eye on the SHIELD contest, sending notes to Heimdall on which Asgardians should get which awards. After discovering how Darcy took the Midgard captor-irritating award, he takes a page from her book and quotes the most nonsensical Midgardian songs he can at his guards and Odin as much as possible. It is surprisingly, delightfully effective. He finds pop music in general to be most effective at baffling Asgardians. "Like a G6" convinced many that he had, truly, gone mad in prison, and caused them to send for the healers. His stunningly accurate rendition of "If you want to be my lover" by the spice girls, backed by his own illusion duplicates and in full costume (although with his own body, which made Baby Spice even more confusing) is cited as the source of at least three other inmate's insanity. It was topped only by his use of something called J-Pop, with very realistic neko-girl cosplay. (He may or may not also use the technique against Thanos and The Other, sending illusionary 'gifts' of "The Cat Came Back" and "Cat? I'm A Kitty Cat!" while looped video of NyanCat plays in the background. If one Darcy Lewis starts finding pretties spontaneously appearing in her room with no one knowing how, why, or from whom, as an ode to her irritating genius... Well, that's Loki's business.)

 

Heimdall would be the all-time champ for the Asgardian version of the Bucky Barnes award.

**Author's Note:**

> If you have not read The List of Things Mr. Welch Can No Longer Do, particularly if you have ever played any table top RPG, GO READ IT RIGHT NOW. Be Advised: It is NOT a checklist of things to do, and your DM/GM, no matter HOW Chaotic Neutral they are, will NOT appreciate more than 3 items from the >2500 item list being in any way recreated during any one day of play. On pain of Immediate Character Death, in many cases.


End file.
